Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
