A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
