wanna go halves on a baby?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
