i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can you bring me the toilet please
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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