Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
