All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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