I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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