i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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