I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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