My friends, they love my intelligence
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
