I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
