my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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