I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
