You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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