I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
