Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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