I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
