I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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