you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
