We're facebook friends in real life
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
