she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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