I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
