im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
