Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well I just put wine in my tea
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
