Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
