its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
