I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
