Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
