3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just come out here and I will go home with you...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
