Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
