i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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