Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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