Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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