The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
