stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
