I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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