I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My dick has a subreddit
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
