I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
