He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
