Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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