I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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