The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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