You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
