I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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