I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
