so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Your cock deserves a montage
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
