i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
