Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
