maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
