I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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