I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he was CRYING into my vagina
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
