I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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