It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
