not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
