I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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