Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
